How to Help Children with a Divorce: Advice from a Children’s Therapist in Arlington, TX
By Jeffrey S Gallup MA LPC-S NCC CFMHE
The Challenges of Divorce
Divorce may be one of the worst moments in your life, and it will impact everything in your and your children's lives. Many children will experience the pain, frustration, stress, and loss that divorce brings to their lives. While kids are very resilient, they need help adjusting to a new life when their parents are separated. There are many things that parents can do to help their children with the divorce process. Often how you deal during the divorce impacts how they handle your loss.
Be Honest and Clear When Telling Your Children
Remember how you approach the subject when you break the news of the divorce or separation sets the tone for their understanding. Tell them honestly and simply what is happening.
Make it Clear That They Are Not Responsible
When telling your children about the divorce, never say anything detrimental about the spouse. Gently explain that it is the best thing to do for you and your spouse. Answer their questions and help them to understand as best as possible. Reassure them that they did not do anything that led to the divorce. Children will often blame themselves during the divorce process. They may then try negotiating with you or your spouse about things they could change to keep the family intact. As simply as possible, let them know that you aren't in any way responsible for this divorce.
Have an Honest Discussion to Allay Their Fears
Reassure them that they did not do anything that caused the divorce, and then calm them with a discussion about their feelings about the separation.
Expect a mix of emotions, everything from depression to anger to denial and everything in between. Children are grieving the loss of their families. While grief may not be a perfect example, it does help to remember to understand your children's potential emotions.
Your Children May Experience Stages of Grief
Some typical stages of grief include anger, depression, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. However, not everyone will experience these stages or go through them in a particular order or length of time.
Examples include:
Anger at their parents for the divorce,
Sadness about not being able to see one specific parent as often,
Bargaining asking their parents what they can do to keep the family together, denial in refusing to believe or understand that the divorce is happening,
Finally, acceptance that the separation is taking place.
Allow Your Children to Have and Express Their Feelings
Be accepting of any feelings your children have, allow them to have their feelings, and help them understand that it is ok to feel upset and hurt because of what is happening. Talking to them, answering questions, and being accepting will go a long way toward them coping well with this transition in their lives.
Keep Your Children Out of Your Fight
Keep your children out of your fight with your spouse. Do not speak badly about your spouse or discuss legal/financial matters with your children. Discussing legal and financial affairs can confuse your children about what is happening even further. This can make their adjustment period harder to deal with. Particularly, do not force them to choose sides. Choosing sides can backfire and create resentment and difficulties for everyone. This is especially true when you must be on the same page as your ex-spouse about a discipline issue. Minimize the disruptions to your child's routines by making transitions and changes as normal as possible. This will help your children's adjustment process.
Explore Options for Help
Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you can adjust, your kids will be more likely to do so. There are many different groups and programs aimed at helping people deal with their divorces, such as Divorce Care and Divorce Care for Kids. Be patient with yourself and your children; this process is not easy. There will be both good and bad days: but by being patient, you will make it easier for your children; and yourself. Spend quality time interacting with your kids and help them to adjust. Continue to feel that they are unique to you as you go through the divorce process.
Work With a Children's Therapist, Teachers, and Doctors For Guidance
Recognize the stress that your kids display. Consult your kids' teachers, doctor, or child therapist for guidance in handling specific problems you're concerned about. Feeling hurt or overwhelmed by divorce is not a reason to confide in your children. This will only cause confusion and bad feelings toward you or your spouse. For help sorting through your feelings, consider joining a divorce support group or seeking counseling. If you and your spouse need help to reach decisions about your children during or after the divorce, then consider using the services of a family or divorce mediator.
The Benefits Of Therapy for Children
Your kids may: likewise, benefit from counseling. Particularly if they have significant behavioral issues, seem depressed, or have trouble adjusting to the divorce after the first year. You can help your children understand what has happened by being honest and reassuring.
Therapy for Children in Arlington, TX can help!
Experiencing a divorce can create a unique set of challenges for children that can lead to many emotional and behavioral issues if not dealt with appropriately. At Mansfield Counseling, our team is skilled at working with children to help them process and overcome the challenges they are facing in a safe and supportive environment. Follow the steps below to begin:
Learn more about our team here.
Fill out our convenient online contact form.
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Other Services Provided:
In addition to Therapy for Children and Adolescents, Mansfield Counseling offers a wide range of services to meet you where you are in your journey. These services include: